Life in the arctic

We have been having interesting times with the weather in the UK. On the very day that the Copenhagen climate conference collapsed in complete disarray, opening the way more clearly than ever to runaway global warming, the temperature in Europe plummeted, and here in Flatchester we awoke to a thick covering of snow. It briefly disappeared over the Christmas-New Year week, but is now back again, and I spent several hours this week sticking clingfilm (Saran wrap) over our conservatory windows in a possibly vain effort to keep Dora's and my blood circulating through our extremities (The Bean seems immune to the cold, happily watching me do so in a temperature of 9C/48F while wearing only his pyjamas).

But life had to go on more or less as normal, and I still have to negotiate my daily six mile cycle journey to work from one edge of Flatchester to the opposite edge. It's a challenge, owing to the unfortunate structure of local politics. Fully a quarter of journeys within Flatchester itself are by bicycle, but unfortunately, all things to do with roads and paths are under the control not of the cycle-friendly Liberal Democrat City Council but of the County Council, which is run by Conservatives almost entirely representing areas outside the city itself. Many of them seem to view Flatchester only as a place to drive into and park their cars. As a result, copious amounts of salt and grit were dumped on major roads to keep them clear, but nothing whatever was done to enable cyclists to stay mobile. Cycling across snow and ice is tricky, but the only alternative, that of negotiating major motor routes in poor visibility with the cycle lanes blocked, is potentially lethal.

At first all this was just a challenge, but eventually I came off and cracked my head on the ground. This knocked my brain back into a curmudgeonly state from which I had managed to stay clear since this post last year. I'm better now (I think), but the following letter, published in the Flatchester News this week, was the result.

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Dear Sirs,

I would like to thank the County Council for laying on such a magical Snow And Ice Challenge for Flatchester cyclists in the week before Christmas.

Within hours of the first heavy snowfall, all the major motor routes were boringly gritted and usable. But what a treat was in store for cyclists! How we thrilled at the mountains of sludge filling the cycle lanes, and the chance they gave us to dart in and out of the traffic! And the off-road cycle paths, including the much-used National Cycle Routes, were thoughtfully left in their beautiful snowy pristine state for our enjoyment all week long.

But the master stroke came on Christmas Eve, after the Council apparently tore up their stated policy of gritting all routes after five days of freezing temperatures. Rain fell on the snow and then froze, so that we had a chance to do as much bicycle ice skating as we wanted without having to pay a penny for it. How I laughed when I fell off on the National Route across Flatchester Common, banging my head on the ground and giving myself a nice whiplash injury to remember the experience by all through Christmas! Ho ho ho.

And of course, nobody was the least bit inconvenienced by all this fun, because as all Shire-dwelling Tory councillors know, bicycles are really only for leisure use, and anyone who has a proper job that they have to get to on time every morning is bound to have a proper SUV in their garage that they can hop into whenever the weather is bad.

I am looking forward to another chance to test my circus skills in the New Year, but I feel it is only fair to suggest that the poor motorists be given a turn next time. After all, we cyclists have had things our own way in icy weather for so many years now, it would be churlish not to offer the same privilege to other road users for once.

Yours faithfully,

Trimorph